I used to think the idea of a “calling” was corny. Growing up, I imagined myself as a surgeon with a fast car living in a big city (can you tell I was raised on Grey’s Anatomy?). No part of that dream felt like a calling, it was a fantasy where I moved away from my small town, had enough money that I could buy whatever I wanted, and got to help people by doing something cool everyday.
That was my dream for quite a while, then I went to college and learned there was so much more that went into working in a hospital than just doing the work (and realized I LOATHED organic chemistry). Around this same time during my sophomore year, I took a global health course and learned the United States has the worst pregnancy, birth, and infant outcomes in western and high-income countries. This information was shared as a way to set the scene so students realized it wasn’t just a course about developing nations. For me, it ended up being so much more.
After I finished my classes, I went to my room and started doing some research of my own because I literally could not believe that our outcomes were so poor. Not only did my research confirm it, I learned the outcomes were drastically worse for Black people. One of the articles I read talked about ways to mitigate some of the risk and that was the first time I ever heard of a “doula.” Essentially, these professionals provide education, support, and advocacy for pregnant people and their families. I immediately started searching for how to become a doula and later that year took my first training. It was a couple more years before I actually had my first client, babies do not schedule their appearances around final exams and I wanted to be sure I could show up for my clients.
Where I worked as a doula, there were very few options for maternity care and there were no midwives or doctors working outside of the hospital. Many of my clients wanted natural births, without an epidural or inductions or unnecessary interventions. Unfortunately, the hospital is very good at manipulating people into one or many of those things. Time and time again, my clients would face coercion, unsupportive (and at times hostile) staff, and fear mongering through manipulated statistical information. I provided education and advocacy as much as I could, but ultimately supported their decisions even if they changed due to unethical tactics from their providers.
Despite those experiences, I knew this was exactly what I was meant to be doing and my career would be helping people bring their children into this world. I had a number of hospital births under my belt before I saw my first unmedicated, uninterrupted birth and to this day I can still remember it clearly. (You were so amazing Madalyn!) That birth taught me a few things: 1- We can all do incredibly hard things with the right support, 2- Birth actually needs very little from us when we listen to what the body is saying, 3- Those are the births I wanted to be able to provide for people.
Midwifery had been hanging in the back of my mind since my initial research way back when, but I didn’t feel comfortable exploring it further because I was so green. Having never seen a birth, how could I trust that pull I felt was genuine and not just curiosity? I still had my doubts about my longevity in the world of birthwork; doulas have a high level of burnout with most careers only lasting 5 years. So I made a promise to myself, if I still felt as strongly pulled to pursue midwifery after another 2 years I could start trying to find a preceptor (someone to study under).
2 years came and went, and then almost another year of sending out hundreds of cold emails to any midwife I came across in my google searches, before I ended up here. Now, I am more than half way through my journey as a student midwife; I get to be the person managing the labors and catching babies with the guidance of 2 very talented and experienced midwives in Eastern Kentucky.
I can finally admit to myself that what I felt in 2018 was calling and it only continues to grow. Some days I wish I would’ve dived into midwifery from the beginning, but I believe my experience in the hospitals provided me with so much more nuance in the out of hospital world. If the only births I had ever seen were in the comfort of their home, with their partner by their side, surrounded by their loved ones, honoring their body and baby, and allowing their wishes to be met I might not appreciate it as much as I do.